I’m Grounding Myself

No internet surfing for a month; longer, if it helps me stop torturing myself.

The reading I have been doing is not helping–it’s driving me batty. I’m a “fresh” birthmother. Less than eight weeks post-relinquishment. I’m already on a very negative path for the choice that I’ve made. And since it was a choice, I feel even worse about the multitude of feelings that are now swirling within me.

I entrusted my friends to help me find happy birthmother blogs and happy adoptee blogs….I’ll update as soon as I receive something. I really hate to ask, but I must wonder: if the adoption industry has changed so much from the “scoop” era, then why haven’t birthmothers’ perspective shifted?

As of right now, I feel like I have shamefully bowed out of a path in my life that would have been temporarily difficult, but would not have guaranteed myself emotionally infinite potholes dotting it. That fact is harrowing. I have 100% guaranteed myself pain, whether it lessens or grows, for the duration of my life. And judging by the blogs I’ve read, I’m not sure what I’ve guaranteed Max other than two things: I’ve guaranteed him a life and adoptive parents that are happy to have a baby. Whether it was my baby or another baby, they’d be as happy as they are now. Wish granted. Prayer answered. Life complete (./?) 

I swallowed gallons of self and socially imposed kool-aid and am slightly nauseous. Any process that develops into an industry is bound to have flaws. Nothing is perfect. When a $0-2,000 dollar service (via the state) becomes a $2,000-30,000 service (via a private agency), processes will develop to protect profit/interest of the organization and the organization’s customer. And while carrying the child, a birthmother may feel like a customer, but that is untrue and will become clear upon the birth of the child. It’s sad to consider where birthmothers can fall if involved with a for-profit…within that chain of product>service>transaction. Birthmothers need to consider what happens to caseworkers’, counselors’, and adoptive parents’ perspectives when there’s something they invest time, money, and emotions into….they’ll protect tactically.

I feel like a chicken that the farmer stuck red glasses on. What is implied to birthmothers weighing the option of adoption is that the baby will automatically be happy and healthy with the family they (the agency) represent. What is promoted is both the happiness of the child and the adoptive parents. Every negative was, in my case, left for me to discover on my own. Why would a business hurt their chances of sealing a transaction? I’d done research for coping with my choice. I’m beating myself blue figuratively for not seeking accounting from adoptees and birthmothers more beforehand.

I’m grounding myself from web surfing because while my choice was initially difficult, at the time I was closer to solace with that decision than I am now. I’m grounding myself in a way that a totally unaware person takes an aspirin for terminally ill related pain… for the pure placebo. Even if I hate myself for this choice, I have to make myself OK for the two loving, well-rounded children I do have with me. That is not an option. I will do that. I cannot make my grief for Max an issue of parenting for kids that are well within the age range and cognizance of remembering and reasoning.

I’m going to ground myself to make the best of a decision I was previously convinced was good. I must have faith that there was something in those months of deciding that have more validity than the few weeks of scaring myself to death. I can’t undo myself over something that cannot be undone. I have no choice but to try to, in whatever way, make this as good and rose colored as humanly possible.


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