I need to make sure that people know that I don’t resent or even vaguely dislike Max’s adoptive parents. As of this moment, they have not been anything but greatful toward me and are obviously drowning baby boy in love and affection.
My negative feelings are not directed specifically at them…the sticky circumstances surrounding the adoption, my regret, and my feelings are not in any way *because* of them. It’s sincerely regardless of them. I’d feel this way whether they or someone I knew personally had him. These feelings come from another place.
Yes, I hate the name they chose. It’s nothing personal. Yes, their eagerness for *a* baby makes me wonder if they’d have welcomed ANY other baby the way they did Max…those kinds of things cross an anxious birthmother’s mind among many, many other questions. Is my baby a plug-n-play peripheral to what they felt their set-up lacked in function and wow factor? Unfortunately, my brain went into micromanagement phase AFTER the signing, not before when my mind could have been put more at ease. Maybe…
I felt a warm connection to the a-mom and her wonderful family. Max is so doted on and welcomed by them. His addition seemed like a sigh of relief to them. I didn’t get the deep read on a-dad that I wanted. I think he is a generally good man, though. It’s just that I picked up on something subtle that gave me the impression that there was an unsaid gap there that the kids (a-parents between in-laws) may have to mediate. I could be wrong…that’s entirely possible.
That aside, Max will likely be funny, smart, and warm. But I want more than anything for him to be confident, self assured, and happy.
No, his nursery isn’t posh…they are well off, but laid back, and down to earth. Woot! I wanted Max to have a mom AND dad who loved him. Check.
Despite everything I like about them, I feel like I do because for many reasons I HAD to go through with the adoption whether or not I wanted to. When I’m not such a mental wreck, I will elaborate because in that explanation lies some key things pregnant moms will need to know.
“Dear adoptive parents” was written both to general a-parents and based on other anxieties I picked up as it was time for us all to leave the hospital.
So, no…my regret and pain has less to do with any “who” as it does questions I should’ve gotten answers on before.