Mother’s Day Molotovs

Why not do everything with a bang? I surely didn’t expect Mother’s Day to end with a bare soul conversation between my parents, sisters, and I…but it did. And I really can’t say that it was for the better other than getting some much needed heat off our chests. The entire thing was draining and long. My youngest sister kept her mouth shut. I knew why she didn’t verbalize on what was bothering her because she knew our mother well enough to know that whatever she said in Mom’s disfavor would rear its head later on. But I had not qualms about saying my peace and neither did my other sister.

At last, there were multiple accountings of some of the crap we’d had to deal with and grow around. The look on my dad’s face was one of discomfort, pain, and realization. Still he remained the ever steadfast husband and tried to mediate what turned out to be a situation that wasn’t going to get better with time. He actually mentioned counseling and I just raised my eyebrow at him. There’s no point with all of us in the process of putting distance between us.

All the yelling, screaming, and recounting of events needed to happen. It put so many things in perspective and made me realize how very important it is for me to parent with love and awareness. This just made me more determined to get out of this funky rut that I’ve been in for months. I’ve had to deal with a lot of skeletons this past few months…unwillingly at times. My health, Maxton’s adoption, my relationship with my daughter, and the parallel with the relationships that I’ve allowed to fester with my mother and my youngest aunt.

I don’t want to get 20 years down the road and look back in delusion thinking that the things that come out of my mouth or my actions don’t have a direct impact on how my children develop. People tell me that I’m a good mother, but that doesn’t mean anything if I am not meeting my own expectations. I’m my own worst critic, but it scares the hell out of me to think I can have a negative impact on another human being that could affect every important relationship she develops throughout her adolescence and adulthood.

Parenting is major–no, this isn’t a new realization, but I am now considering the adoption and the current status of my relationship with my mother in a new way. No one is perfect. And I’m sure many kids had way worse parents to deal with by various opinion. But I got a very good schematic on what NOT to do. Not everyone has that fortune. My dad is wonderful, yet also imperfect. I have two guidebooks in parenting that are absolutely golden….I know what things help, hurt, nurture, hinder, and rot a budding human being. To not use that knowledge to best cater to the needs and demands of my two children at home would be negligent.

I can keep making my past experiences with my mother/family a bad thing…or I can develop it into a positive. I guess some bombs do have their target and their benefit.

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Shut Up with Your Politics…

It grates on a very tender nerve to hear people talk so assuredly about the wrongs of abortion. Often those same people speak with the same glazed-over assurance that adoption is the most amazing thing imaginable.

Shut up.

I’ve said before that I’d always make the choice of life for myself. I’ve never had an abortion and previously couldn’t fathom the mental abuse I’d suffer through my own inner workings to go through with it. But there’s no way in hell I think that I can assume every sexually active woman on the planet to be capable of going through adoption, abortion, nor motherhood. No, abstinence will not catch on with religious extremists as the voice of that option. Who has the insight on every human being’s psyche, upbringing, and ability to ever stick their neck out to make such a pompous and arrogant assertion of what they should/shouldn’t do in various situations.

Before reading a word I had to say in prior blogs, I’m sure some soul thought little of the aftermath for birthmothers. They probably thought little beyond their own ill-informed opinion and what the adoption industry (yes, wrap you noodle around the idea of an industry of babies and paying parents-to-be) has painted as the most glorious process next to planned births. I’m not out to paint adoption as a bad thing. SO many birthmoms have had extraordinary experiences and either enjoy their open interactions with their child or have moved on after a closed adoption. But there are a lot that don’t. Then there’s the consideration of how adoptees cope with it. There are many factors that play into the process that have jack squat to do with what your favorite public figure has to say on the subject.

If you’ve never been there, or only have a piece of a story to base your opinion off of….just hush with your very loud and very assured sounding politically fueled opinions of a situation that people deal with in innumerable ways. Not knowing how a woman may impact that child by raising it, or how a new family is suited for dealing with adoptee emotion, or what the overall social impact of that child’s rearing on others they encounter in the unsupervised parts of their life. “Perfect” parents have raised perfect monsters. Shut up with the assured political babble.

Emotional Burpees

Update received!!!!!!

Better late than never? In this case, yes. In this case, a thousand times, yes. It was a daily passing nightmare to realize I was at the mercy of the a-parents’ desire to uphold the legal equivalent to a verbal agreement. Might as well be a pinky promise.

I’m very thankful for the message and the pictures. He’s a darling child. Cutting teeth and growing in the 100th percentile range in height—my little golem :). This is, again, a process of continual growth and trust. I have no problem with continual growth…but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I have serious trust issues. There’s no immediate mend to that, but I’m making what strides I can in a handful of ways in my life. Leaving anything of consequence to me in the hands of someone else scares the hell and high noon sun out of me. Putting my heart in someone’s hands? Hoping someone holds their end of a bargain? Making partners in a lifelong decision?

Dear lord, I’ve made a pact bordering on a parallel to marriage…. :facepalm:

The more I cycle through the mechanics, I realize this was overall a bad situation for me to get into. Undoubtedly this is the hardest lesson I’m going to have to learn and re-learn. I’m seeing the ugliest and hardest consequences of making poor decisions and not clearly thinking (from conception to relinquishment). This part of my heart will remain in figurative purgatory for not making the adult considerations that I should have well before all this had to come to be.

All typical-of-me mumbo jumbo aside, he’s healthy, beautiful, and happy. That’s what matters.

And I could use a lesson in birthmother patience…if that is humanly possible. These grueling up-downs are so incredibly tiresome.